Tuesday, April 19, 2011

‘Tis The Season

Remember when the term “seasonal” used to be used to describe items, most commonly food, that were unique or special in some way, typically sold in a time-limited fashion and often brought about wonderful personal memories that are tied to certain times of the year? Yeah, I remember that too, and it was how I would have described the term until about three hours ago when, at the local supermarket, every special significance I had attached to the word had been torn asunder and scattered into the perfectly climate controlled air. On the coffee aisle, a looming display of “special roast” coffees dominated the last six feet of available product space. What began as a simple moment of browsing, as I had no intent to buy any coffee on this particular trip, turned into 30 to 45 seconds of coffee chaos as I became more and more incredulous over the packaging used by the particular coffee product on display. Many coffee makers sell grounds that are typically associated with certain seasons, such as pumpkin latte or gingerbread, for example, and I have no qualms with those fine folks. What I had a problem with was this company slapping the term “seasonal blend” on every one of their more than twenty flavors. Their offerings included such alleged “seasonal” products as Vanilla Hazelnut, Carmel Chai, Chocolate Mint and Chocolate Banana. This was the most ridiculous thing I had seen since being exposed to Soyrizo, a soy-based chorizo product, a few weeks ago at another store. To try and dupe the public into buying something by putting the moniker “seasonal” on all your flavors is nothing short of a dubious attempt at separating consumers from their hard-earned money. Now I will admit that maybe some of these flavors may stir special memories in the recesses of your brain, but to use the term “seasonal” is very misleading. Last time I checked none of these ingredients were grown or offered at only certain times of the year, nor are they tied to any significant holidays (however, I guess it is possible that this company is based on a small island nation where each March 3rd, all inhabitants smear a chocolate-banana based sauce all over one another’s naked, writhing bodies, and then they proceed to hurl themselves down a giant slip-n-slide in observation of some local holiday, and therefore in their country a flavor such as Chocolate Banana would hold some special significance). What really got my dander up was that right across the aisle were more flavors from this very same company, however these plain packages were not emblazoned with the magical “seasonal” description. They were such flavors as hazelnut, chocolate, caramel and vanilla. So apparently, by themselves these flavors are commonplace palate pleasing pretenders encased in blasé wrappers not worthy of much fanfare, however once you combine two of these flavors…..KAPOW, ZING, BOOM, ZOWIE, you now have jazzed up java that is worthy of being called seasonal.

If that was not enough, then there was the desperate attempt by this sham of a company to plaster a couple of names across some of their other “seasonal” flavors that could be tied to holidays, but whose titles made absolutely no sense. The first was Chocolate Bunny, which I suppose is appropriate for Easter time, which is now upon us. But given that chocolate bunnies taste the same as chocolate bars, chocolate trucks, chocolate razor blades or anything else you can make a chocolate mold of, how this would taste different from their chocolate coffee across the aisle escaped me. Their was no description of the flavor on the side of the package for you to glean any insight as to the possible tongue tantalizing taste of the coffee. Who knows, maybe it did really taste like chocolate bunny. Maybe the side of the package should have said: “Some say a rabbit’s foot is lucky. How about giving yourself an extra boost of luck? Every bag of 16 oz. Chocolate Bunny Coffee contains perfectly roasted beans that have been infused with the real taste of chocolate and then soaked in the ground up nuggets of rabbit carcasses from at least eight road kill hares for a burst of real bunny flavor in every cup. Find a whole whisker or partial nose in any bag of Chocolate Bunny Coffee, and win a free Bug’s Bunny DVD.” A few packages away from Chocolate Bunny was, I kid you not, Leprechaun Blend, whose package was also devoid of a flavor description. OK, this was just now getting downright dumb. A) We are over a month past St. Patrick’s Day and probably more importantly B) What the hell does Leprechaun Blend taste like? I cannot fathom what this coffee would taste like from that cryptic name. From title alone, my best guess is that it tastes like an amalgam of diminutive imaginary people and green felt derbies. So, if we can please just go back to saving the term “seasonal” for things like strawberry pie, turkey and eggnog, I would have my faith restored in this once sacred term.

2 comments:

  1. What the hell is Strawberry Pie?

    ReplyDelete
  2. I believe it is a dessert with a crust-type foundation that is filled with sliced and/or whole strawberries that have typically been covered in some type of sugar-based glaze. Sweetened whipped cream may or may not be present. This dessert is most commonly available in the late srping through the summer months.

    ReplyDelete