7-11: Your Valentine’s Day Headquarters? You're Darn Right It Is!

***Before we even get started, I SHOULD advise the ladies out there to avert your eyes from the following entry as it will give away some very private male trade secrets, as it is a little “Lover’s Manual” of sorts I have penned to pass along to my adoring male readership. However given that the majority, if not all, of my regular readers are female, if you do not read this, it will most likely go unread by human eyes, and that would sadden my heart of hearts. So, here we are in a conundrum of epic proportions. OK, so maybe that’s a slight exaggeration. Do read on at your own risk if you wish, but remember you chose to do so, and once you look behind the Wizard of Oz’ curtain, things can’t be unseen***

So guys, it is getting to be that time of year again. Love is in the air, and your special sweetie will be expecting something special this Valentine’s Day. Yes, besides checking yourself for testicular cancer. While at 7-11 this morning purchasing my coffee, I noticed at the counter a plastic heart shaped box filled with rose petals. My first instinct was that this is so sad that some poor schmuck would buy rose petals from 7-11 to spread around the bedroom for a romantic evening on Valentine’s Day. However, as I looked around the store, I began to realize that 7-11 could the be the answer frustrated men all over the world have been looking for. Pulling off a successful Valentine’s Day can be an arduous task, and while most men love their significant others very much, it can be such a stressful time for us fellows running around from store to store picking up supplies to make the night a magical one. What I suggest is a revolutionary convenience store-based approach to Valentine’s Day where all your purchases are made at a store such as 7-11. I guarantee the ease, and brilliance, of this approach will leave her smiling and you with decreased blood pressure (except in that certain area. Wink, wink!) Without further ado, I present the 7-11 Valentine’s Night of Romance Package (cue harp music):

1) Start with the aforementioned rose petals. Spread them all about the bed and bedroom floor. Heck, buy two packages. We will be saving money here versus those over-priced holiday stores, anyway. ***Insider’s Tip #1: Just make sure to buy the rose petals only a day or two early. The ones I saw today are sure to be dried up and nasty looking ten days from now on Valentine’s Day. Remember, unless you are dating a Goth, dead flowers will probably offend most women (see above picture for what you are NOT looking for)

2) Purchase a couple of Bic lighters, some scotch tape, a roll of aluminum foil from aisle three and grab two small sized slurpee cups with accompanying domed lids. Light your lighter and tape down the button to maintain the flame for the evening. Use the aluminum foil to wrap your cup to disguise the tell-tale slurpee insignia, stick the lighter inside, and cover with the plastic domed lid. Bam! You have a beautiful candle holder, whose domed lid diffuses light throughout the room and creates a romantic ambience.

3) So you say your special someone really likes chocolate on Valentine‘s Day, but you just can’t see spending $30 for a pound of gourmet chocolates that your woman will end up berating you for buying a few days later when her jeans don’t fit because the glutton decided to scarf the whole package in one sitting. The simple fix: purchase a Snicker’s bar, cut it into bite size pieces, and wrap each piece in the left over aluminum foil from step #2. Not only is this confectionary solution easy on your wallet, it allows your honey to maintain her diminutive derriere. Don’t have a candy dish at home you say? Whatever will you do? Well, you can’t just go throwing the candies all over the room. You have gone through the painstaking process of hand wrapping your chocolates, and only a suitable presentation box will do. Purchase a flip-top box of the cheapest cigarettes possible from the cashier, toss the cigs in the trash (unless you smoke I guess), wrap your box in…..you guessed it, the aluminum foil (isn’t the guy who created aluminum foil an absolute genius), cut a heart out of your receipt paper and tape it to the front of the box. Simply place your candies inside, and she’ll be gushing with delight over her quaintly decorated box of sweet treats.

4) Swing by the dairy case and pick up some whipped cream for naughty time. You know what I’m talking about!

5) For most women, music can play an essential role in feeling amorous towards their mate. Titillate her auditory senses by purchasing one of those CD’s they sometimes have in racks by the magazines. Sure, they are almost always leftover CD’s from 1993 and often contains songs by artists you have never heard of, but at a cost of only $5.99, you will definitely get a great return on investment. ***Insider’s Tip #2: Mood Killer Alert! Already have the CD in the CD player, and ditch the CD case in the trash. Certain peril is to befall your night of love if your passion partner sees a compilation CD case emblazoned with the title “Songs For Knockin' Boots”

 

6) For those of you with a lady that has a less-than-innocent side and enjoys a smattering of erotic literature now and again, I would suggest a private reading session from one of the numerous lust laden letters authored by the deviant readers of the plastic-encased pornographic periodicals that can be purchased from their not so cleverly hidden position behind the counter. ***Insider’s Tip #3: Always, always, always read with your clothes on. Sharp edged paper in the magazines can result in debilitating paper cuts to sensitive parts of the unclothed body that can result in several days of required recuperation time.

7) Loosen things up with a bottle of wine or champagne from the cold box. Stray away from beer, malt liquor, items in a 40 oz. bottle and wine coolers. Your lady will appreciate the upgraded purchase for this special occasion. ***Insider’s Tip #4 (last and final tip, so pay attention): Like tip #2 above, preparation is key. As convenience stores do not have a reputation for carrying wines that cater to the distinguished connoisseur, it is suggested that you pour the glasses of wine ahead of time, and dispose of the bottle (no, wrapping it in aluminum foil will not work this time). If your companion is not educated about wines, and may not know from the brand it’s level of quality, you can safely keep the bottle, however it is strongly suggested you remove the $3.99 price tag that contains the 7-11 logo.

8) It is going to be a long night of passion, so stock up on packets of Horny Goat Weed, Manhood Maximizer or any of the other myriad of non-FDA approved coital concoctions that are carried at the checkout counter.

Your lady in your arms. Check. The scene is set. Check. Sounds like everything's covered. On to the love making. Oh Thank Heaven!