Questionable (At Best) Signage

I realized last evening that despite my intent to continue to procrastinate, and believe I had all the time in the world to complete my yuletide tasks, Christmas was beginning to bare down on me like a gluttonous buffeteer salivating over a new hot pan of fried chicken at Sizzler, and there was no stopping it. So I headed out with the masses last night to try and finish up the majority of my Christmas shopping. During my travels around town, I witnessed some very interesting signage here and there.

The first occurred while I was shopping in an unnamed large discount store. I came across a sign in front of some batteries. The price displayed was not exceptionally low and was of no significant consequence, except the way in which the price was displayed for multiple items: Battery 4-packs: $3.99, 2 for $7.98, 3 for $11.97, 4 for $15.96. Many stores will offer you a discount for buying multiple items, which is pretty kindly of them, and I figured this merchandiser was doing so as well. My nerd math brain then kicked in and thought wait a gall darn minute. That is no discount at all. These sneaky grinches had perverted the time honored tradition of buy more, save more, and simply listed the prices for buying up to four packages, all at $3.99 per piece. I tried to make sense of the sign, and came to the conclusion that either the company was just trying to bamboozle the public, or the producer of this joyfully holiday embroidered piece of paper had taken a class in asinine sign making. Maybe there was a limit of four per person, and they simply wanted to let you know how much they were if you bought four. I scanned the sign, and nope, no such limit. I then began to become disappointed in my heart of hearts as I needed six packages, and they had totally neglected my needs by stopping at four. How ever would I figure out how much my purchase total would be? If only there was some type of machine located near the exit where you would take all your purchases, they would add the total for you, and a disgruntled, underpaid cashier would tell you how much you owed in an incomprehensible mumble. Dare to dream I guess. Here’s a holiday tip for the management: Unless you are offering some type of multiple purchase deal, quit wasting ink on this type of sign, and then upping your prices to the consumer due to all your excessive ink usage.

After leaving this establishment I headed down a major street and passed by an unbelievable banner outside of a local Mexican food restaurant, whose business sign read “authentic Mexican food“. I really expected to see the typical signage saying “Try Our Great Fajitas” or “$1.99 Margaritas from 5-7”, but instead my eyes focused on a huge red and white banner that said, “Special: Cheeseburger, Fries and Soda, $5.99”. Does anything signify complete loss of confidence in your “specialty” product more than advertising a completely unrelated product? The only way this restaurant could have outdone this not-so-subtle implication that its food is nothing more than culinary fecal matter on a Goodwill plate, is to put on its sign “We Have Clean Restrooms!”

A few minutes later I arrived at my final destination: a poorly lit, customer barren mall on the other side of town fraught with no-name shops and vacant store fronts. As I walked in the front door, I noticed yet another new business that is so common in this revolving door of failed business ventures thinly disguised as a mall. The general idea actually was quite clever. The establishment was called Evening Dental, and advertised providing dental services to customers in the evening/night-time hours that are unable to make it to the dentist during traditional daytime hours. As I began to mentally applaud the genius that came up with this idea, my applause turned to a gargantuan two thumbs down as I noted the business’ logo, written in dramatic Old English Lettering, “ED”. Sure, I get it. Evening Dental. ED. But when an acronym is so famous for something, particularly of a less desirable nature, it is probably not a good idea to use it, lest you be the subject of ridicule in someone’s personal blog. You don’t see Personal Messenger Service or the Frankfurt University of Culinary Knowledge using their acronyms, do you? The only thing that would have made this any more classic would have been for the window to have had an Oedipal-level dramatically ironic motto such as “Evening Dental: We’re Up All Night Long.” In this time of stressful shopping, at least sign makers are keeping me entertained and providing me a little holiday cheer.