Tonight’s Double Feature: “What’s Going On Down There?” and “Must Be That New Math”

That’s right folks, today’s blog is a for 2-for-1 special. To be honest, it is simply in two parts because I saw two interesting commercials on the same day, and the blog would have been relatively short if I would have only included one. That being said, please continue to believe you are getting a real treat today with the two entries. Please enjoy your show!

What’s Going on Down There?

I was totally frittering away my Saturday by spending almost the entire time watching mindless television programs, with a little bit of laundry and cleaning sprinkled in so that my subconscious mind would quit not-so-subconsciously reminding me that I needed to be more productive. During one my shows, a commercial came on which is still boggling my mind as I author this blog. First of all, it should be said that this commercial was part of CBS Cares, a series of public service announcements on things like going to college, stopping bullying, ect. CBS is a fine company, and all of the commercials I have seen in this series have been very well done. The scene of this particular commercial was set beautifully: a ruggedly handsome man dressed in a Hugh Hefner style robe/smoking jacket, sitting on the ground leaning against a bed in the background, clad in what appeared to be red silk sheets. Lit candles abounded the room, and covered almost every inch of available furniture, save for the bed. I must admit, it was quite the love cave. The actor, who I was unfamiliar with but who I assumed was from one of the network’s television shows, opened up with this great line: “Hey guys, want to get her something special for Valentine’s Day? Check yourself for testicular cancer.” Talk about the very definition of incongruence between appearance and content. I chuckled to myself because the approach to this just seemed to be so ridiculous. Don’t get me wrong, this is a very serious health issue, and I am in no way against self-examination to check for this condition (and no jokes out there from the peanut gallery about how my exams do not really need to be conducted on a nightly basis…mind your own business….I’m just really cautious). While I have concern over the health of my half-of-an-offspring producing hanging man orbs, the commercial still struck me as a bit odd. As if this was not enough, the commercial topped itself with the delivery of the actor’s next, and final, line of the commercial: “Why give her a diamond when you can give her the family jewels.” WTF was the only thing I could think to myself. Over and over again I thought it as the commercial faded to black, and went on to some new commercial my brain did not even register the content of. So you are telling me there was a production meeting about this? The producer comes in, and says the CEO of CBS wants to do a PSA on testicular cancer to get the word out to the public, and asks for ideas. Then some creative genius throws out this television turd of an idea, proffering the plan of taking a very serious issue and inserting a 4th grade nickname for testicles into the script to make a joke. And what’s worse is that evidently not one of the creative team members thought this was a bad idea. While I find their approach baffling, I guess the important point is that they got the message out about this issue to millions of male viewers, and if even one is saved by early detection, then they have done their job. (As a very quick side note, in addition to being a PSA for testicular cancer, it was my sneaking suspicion that this commercial was sponsored by See‘s Candy and the National Association of Florists to remind men that Valentine‘s Day is coming up, but that is nothing more than conjecture at this point until hard evidence can be obtained to confirm said sneaking suspicion).

Must Be That New Math

Later in the day while watching television (yes, I was still frittering away my precious time) I bore witness to another display of television magic. This time I got caught up staring at a hypnotic infomercial for the Chopomatic 30000 Super Blender To End All Blenders. As anyone knows who has watched an infomercial, they tend to have a flare for the dramatic. In one particular scene, in effort to show the sheer destructive power of the blender’s blades, the host put a few pieces of concrete into the blender’s pitcher. Sparks flew as the blender whirred to life and the pieces of concrete were pulverized into a fine powder. The host then poured out the concrete granules, and then blended some fruit as the studio audience stared in wonder that the blades continued to cut like new. Wow, how sanitary! I half expected the host to take a big gulp of his sediment-infused “power smoothie” all the while chanting that wonderful mantra from my childhood “A little dirt don’t hurt”*, however he simply poured the concrete concoction into a glass to a cascade of staged oohs and ahhs from the minimally financially compensated crowd. While this overly dramatic display was completely expected from the wizards behind infomercial making, what happened next irked the math nerd inside of me. The television screen started flashing advertisements from magazines showing various similar blenders, ranging in prices from $250 to $2100. The golden-larynxed voice-over guy crooned out: “You can pay as much as $1200 for a similar blender.” Wait, then why did you show a $2100 one? OK, so a small error. No big deal, I can live with that. Then the voice again: “But you won’t pay $1200! You won’t pay $600! You won’t even pay a fraction of that! You pay only 5 easy payments of $50.” Something did not seem right to me about this. I then checked the recesses of my brain file……processing request…….processing request…….and then I found it. 3^rd grade fraction lessons with Ms. Kincaid. As I recalled it, a fraction means a portion of something, however this asinine commercial said you won’t even pay a fraction of $600, however last time I had checked the total $250 you would spend in the five easy payments is a fraction of $600.…I believe it is 250/600 (sorry, ms. Kincaid, I forgot to reduce and show my work. 250/600 with a common denominator of 50= 5/12). Even if this souped up blender with a lawnmower-sized motor and whirling blades of death that can destroy anything edible, and apparently cement based products as well, were to cost even one penny, it would cost a fraction of the aforementioned price. The only way this product would not cost a fraction of the noted price is if it were free (super math nerds out there, please do not pipe up about how zero can be represented as a fraction such as 0/x where x is any darn number you want it to be. I am sure you are right, but I don’t need any dissention between myself and the rank and file of my mass of dedicated blog followers….yes, all three of them).

*Fun fact of the day: While many in today's society simply believe that "A little dirt don't hurt" is simply one of a laundry list of pithy sayings littering the annals of America's storied past, unbeknownst to most is the fact that this saying was the guiding theroretical principal behind the devlopment of the now world-renowned Five Second Rule.