Stranger Danger: Bring It On Home

As I was zipping around in cyberspace a few days ago I happened upon the unfamiliar term “couch surfing”. I, of course, believed this to be just the latest wild addition to the litany of adrenaline junkie activities that already propagate our world. My mind immediately became satiated with images of thrill-seeking individuals of marginal mental stability precariously perched on love seats with their tendon-strained legs maintaining one foot on each arm while their psychotic sofa sleds went careening at ungodly speeds down insanely sloped city streets. A little research on the internet about couch surfing revealed that I was completely wrong about what this activity actually entailed (Readers, please excuse me as my first impression of what couch surfing was has sparked my business savvy, and I have had an amazing idea come upon me like an other-worldly vision, and must document it for future use. Note to self: Million Dollar Idea in the making...Furniture Funland. A theme park geared towards visitors who want to engage their thrill-seeking side through the use of common household furnishings. Guests can jump up and down on giant beds, zoom on a race track strapped to a rolling office chair and build gargantuan forts out of mountains of couch cushions. For the park guest who wishes to take a quiet respite and have an educational experience, a museum quality exhibit can be offered entitled The Ottoman Empire: A World History of Footstools. This idea is pure gold. Sorry to my readers for the tangent.)

Apparently, couch surfing is where generous homeowners known as “hosts” allow travelers haling from lands both near and far to enjoy much needed slumber on their love seats, couches, chase lounges and settees free of charge instead of these budget-minded globe hoppers being forced to spend their limited bankrolls on over-priced hotel rooms. The website where I gathered my information from, whose function is to offer an online community where hosts and mooches, err travelers, can make contact with one another, also touted couch surfing as a means by which people from different cultures and backgrounds can share experiences with one another.

To be honest, all this sounds like to me is a lazy serial killer’s dream come true. So many would-be Ted Bundy’s out there have the sincere desire to commit ghastly acts upon other human beings, but simply don’t want to put out the predatory effort that is required to track down a proper victim. For these individuals, couch surfing is a “victims direct to you” type of service that is hard to pass up. Having strangers stay in your home, or staying in a stranger’s home, just doesn’t strike me as the safest activity to engage in. As if the website were reading my apprehensive thoughts, I found a link to a page that the site prepared with safety tips that were being proffered as a meager offering to mollify the feelings of trepidation a rationally-minded (I use the term loosely) person like myself would experience regarding this type of risky behavior. In the introductory portion of this section, the site stated, “Think about when you meet someone on a train. What information do you have? Just your own first impressions.” Yeah, well, I’m not going to invite some complete stranger from a train to stay on my couch, now am I (unless she is hot…but let's stay focused….and at least moderately realistic)? But I got where they were going with this. The next several sections of the safety page listed numerous alleged safeguards this website had put into place including: references (people can leave comments, both positive or negative, about hosts or travelers, so that new members can make educated decisions about the individuals in the community), vouching (according to the website, vouching “shows a strong bond between two members and is a carefully considered sign of trust. A member's vouch says that they stand behind another member and their actions. Anything that a member does, whether good or bad, reflects on those who have vouched for them, so this tool is used very carefully used.” If the description is to be believed, vouching is the promise-making equivalent of the sacred pinky swear. They even have a nifty little icon of several hands holding one another for people who have been vouched for).

This is all fine and dandy if you want a false sense of security, but let’s get real folks. All it takes is a group of serial killers to get together and start making positive references singing the other demented individuals’ praises and vouching for one another to lure you into their parlors of peril. “Oh sure, I’ll vouch for you Bill, but if the next couch surfer is a blonde that looks like my emasculating mother, I call dibs.” Another fear-soothing section was entitled report website abuse. Seems pretty useless, and a little late, to me. “Uh yes, I would like to report misuse of the website. My friend was tricked into staying with a murderer, was dismembered and unnatural acts were committed with the limbs.” “I’m sorry to hear that ma’am. Well, the first offense of website abuse is a stern written warning, but if this occurs again, we will most assuredly enforce a one month ban from the website community, and the host receives a nasty thumbs down icon.” The silliest part of all is that the last paragraph of the safety page began with a line that indicated that individual judgment was, of course, the most important safety measure of all. Really? Isn’t that the very thing you discounted at the beginning of the safety page regarding first impressions. This was just the websites way of saying, “If something goes wrong, you only have yourself to blame.” I honestly believe that the only thing that scares me even more than the serial killers lurking in every home is staying on a couch that has a mystery stain…ewwww! I think I will just stay in a happy little Motel 6 when traveling, and keep my couch stranger free.