While walking through the parking lot of a local hospital yesterday, a dedicated follower of my blog accosted me and began ranting about the subject of the last blog post (for those of you joining our show in progress, please make sure to read What's Going On Down There? before continuing). The avid reader, Ms. M, was incensed not necessarily with the blog itself, but with the commercial for testicular cancer which I had addressed. Ms. M was unrelenting in her display of pure loathing for the commercial, and at one point her expressed intolerance for this prime example of idiotic commercial making made me fear for my personal safety to the point of almost completely wetting myself, or at least releasing a small dribble. Ms. M’s hatred for the commercial was two pronged: 1) Ms. M stated that the actor’s first line, “Hey guys, want to give her something special for Valentine’s Day? Check yourself for testicular cancer” was a completely selfish statement, and was not any gift at all, and that the female was not getting anything out of this; and 2) The second line: “Why give her a diamond, when you can give her the family jewels?” was, according to Ms. M, as equally stupid. She argued that even if detection of this illness could be considered a gift to phrase it in the manner in which the producers of the commercial chose to do so was ridiculous. Ms. M then stated something akin to the following, “That is a crappy gift. I was going to get you a diamond, but instead I’m going to touch my balls.” Ms. M went on, with great fervor, to berate the commercial for the next several minutes before allowing me to have my day back. Based upon my interesting encounter with Ms. M, I went into creative thinking mode today. So for Ms. M, I offer up the following possible changes to the commercial, which I hope will extinguish the internal blazing inferno of ire that Ms. M now has in her heart for the CBS Cares program. I completely agree with Ms. M’s concern that the female in this lover’s interplay receives nothing, and I would suggest the following script change, “Hey guys, want to give her something special for Valentine’s Day? Let her check you for testicular cancer.” Now there is a win-win solution for everyone. I am sure Ms. M would agree. As for her second point that the partner’s present has been downgraded from a sparkling nugget of compressed carbon to a set of sperm-producing spheres, I concur as well. However, with a simple twist of words I was able to change the “good gift to a bad gift” to a “bad gift to good gift” example while preserving the cleverness of the original commercial that utilized two related words (diamonds and jewels). I therefore offer the following Shakespearesque (self-described of course) prose: ‘Why give her a trashy present, when you can let her handle your junk.” Well, Ms. M, I think it is definitely mission accomplished in addressing your ill will towards one of America’s broadcasting network giants, don’t you?
Mission definitely accomplished!
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