In Tough Times, Organizational Efficiency Is Our #17 Priority

Companies and organizations have always made attempts to keep their budgets in check, however the current economic struggles in most sectors has led to companies being especially mindful of their use of resources. The public sector, particularly local government, where I am currently employed, is no exception to this practice as we have faced many cuts to our funding resulting in both program and staffing losses. Our department is being faced with the challenge of “doing more with less.” Despite the need to become more efficient, I have recently observed behavior by staff engaging in inefficient office practices. In addition, the organization itself encourages minimal productivity by having ludicrous requirements of its staff. Although I encounter countless examples of these types of waste during any given month, the following are my two most recent experiences:

The Rubber Band Bandit

While assigning new cases to my workers today, I received a folder from another program that had been sent from another building. When a folder is sent from one building to another in our organization, a single piece of paper is attached to the folder noting the building destination and the intended recipient. I understand the need for this paper to stay attached to the folder, lest the folder be lost in mailroom limbo like some type of office supply orphan. The thing that got my dander up today was the fact that this solitary folder, and its accompanying routing slip, were attached with not only two paper clips, but seven rubber bands. When I saw this extensive elastic safeguard, I half expected the individual who sent this to have used a dab of rubber cement “just to be sure” that nothing came loose. This overuse of rubber bands was completely unacceptable and unnecessary. Not only did this individual waste their important time creating a web of stretchy plastic polymers, they completely cut into my valuable time as well as I was required to undo their stringy maze. Even worse, this maniacal master of inter-office folder routing warfare had used rubber bands that were so small they were stretched to their maximum tolerable level. Their already fragile appearance was made even more prominent by their crunchy texture indicating they had been in use for several years. My anxiety of being furiously snapped by these skin gouging rubber ribbons of destruction was overwhelming, resulting in me gingerly removing them from the folder at a snail’s pace with the trepidation of a cold fusion scientist handling a vial of uranium 235 dipped in hot hog snot.

Who Doesn’t Love A Well-Written Form?

Government organizations are infamous for their use of forms for just about everything that a worker does, or even thinks about doing. The amount of paper products consumed by just one local government agency such as ours, with a staff of over 1,500 employees, is unfathomable. One of the most ridiculous forms we must use is called the Admin-580. On a bi-weekly basis, we submit our time sheets to receive our meager compensation for a job done at a splendidly mediocre level. I believe these could be submitted electronically, but the local government has decided they need a “hard copy” of everything for the auditors. I can see their point I guess. It is likely these computer thingies won’t catch on, and they will be very thankful they have the paper copies of time sheets from the last twenty three years that they have been keeping in a warehouse they have been paying umpteen dollars a year to lease. An Admin-580 must be attached to the time sheet for any extra time worked and/or time taken off (sick leave, vacation, ect.) The thing that makes this so absolutely ludicrous is that you write the time taken off on your time sheet as well. I have yet to grasp the necessity of this process. Why are we turning in an extra piece of paper that has the same thing written on it that is written on our time sheet? The other day, my boss’ clerk contacted me stating the auditors were reviewing my old time sheets and were missing one Admin-580 from December of 2009 when I had worked over-time. Never mind the fact that it is not my job to keep track of the forms (the supervisor is responsible for keeping all of the Admin-580’s in the worker’s personnel file that has become nine inches thick due to 87% of the content being old Admin-580’s), I was completely flabbergasted that they wanted such an old piece of paper, and even more irked that there were people being paid to track down inconsequential pieces of paper. If they were doubting that I really worked the over-time, did the fact that I wrote it down on both the time sheet and the 580 rather than just the time sheet make the claimed time any more credible. (the following is a liberal dramatization of a hypothetical investigation into misreporting of time worked) Investigator/Accountant/Over-Paid Busybody: “Uh yes, Madame Director, we believe Mr. Cool Ranter has claimed time which he did not work.” Director of Department: “And what irrefutable proof do you have?” Big Head Bean-Counter: “He did not submit an Admin-580 with his time sheet on which he claimed to have worked one hour of over-time. Everyone knows that someone who only writes their over-time on their time sheet is an obvious fabricator, and is seeking to defraud the county of an exorbitant amount of money. In this matter, a more than significant sum of $43.50. It is further common knowledge that someone who fills out both forms must be telling the truth, otherwise they would have not filled out both forms.” Director of Department: “Hang him!”

What is next in the barrage of pointless forms required by our agency? My best guess is the Bathroom Usage form. Forms will be labeled as BU-#1 or BU-#2 depending on your particular transaction. BU-#1 will require milliliters of liquid expelled and the approximate color of said liquid using a ten point gradation scale ranging from crystal clear to neon yellow posted in all bathrooms. For males, form must include number of shakes conducted following expulsion of said liquid. A reminder will be posted in all male bathrooms that more than 3 shakes constitutes public masturbation on county property, and depending on number of previous violations, violators will be subject to disciplinary action, up to and including, verbal warning, written reprimand and/or participation in a sexual offender counseling program (SOCP).  At the dsicretion of the therapist conducting the SOCP, the employee's parents and/or significant other/spouse will participate in counseling sessions to provide input as to the past and present nature and frequency of the offender's masturbatory behavior.*  Any male employee utilizing more than ten shakes during any single incident, or having more than 5 violations in a calendar year, will be considered a "gross violatior" and will be subject to immediate termination.  Upon immediate termination, a letter will be sent to the employee's parents, significant other/spouse, clergy leader of house of worship the offender attends (as applicable) and/or children detailing the employee's abhorent escapades resulting in their termination.*

BU-#2 will require an approximation of weight of waste product (no scales will be provided due to budget cut backs). If a reasonable approximate weight cannot be given, a three dimensional scale drawing will be allowed. Form must also include number of squares of toilet paper used. There will be a notation in all upper case letters on BU-#2 that any usage above seven squares must have supervisor approval prior to using said squares. Waste product evacuators must also state if they wiped front to back or back to front. This information will be used for statistical purposes only, however any female reporting a wiping pattern of back to front will be immediately referred to mandatory training provided by the Public Health Department regarding the unsanitary nature of this specific directional cleansing, and the possible health-related consequences. Both forms will also require employees to certify, under penalty of perjury, whether having used a toilet or urinal, that they were in full compliance with the “one-away” rule. Any non-adherence to the “one-away” rule must be fully explained in the space provided on the form, and must have the signature of two witnesses who can corroborate the employees inability to fully comply with said rule.

Males who are found to be excessive "shakers", females found to be incorrectly wiping or any individual violating the "one-away" rule will have their names and pictures placed on a "Wall of Shame" bulletin board outside of the cafeteria with the individual listed in the appropriate category, "Plays With Self", "Is Dirty" or "Does Not Understand The Concept Of Personal Space In The Bathroom Environment."*

Glad to see everyone is doing their best to maintain their efficiency during these tough times. Keep up the good work!

*Social Service Commission rule 11345.7(a) negates an employee's right to privacy and confidentiality in the above noted circumstances.