Reaching Your Full Financial Potential

* Note: This blog is best read out loud in the style of (enter the name of your favorite motivational speaker, infomercial pitchman or carnival game-running individual with inbred rat-like features).
** Note 2: This post is obviously meant for satirical purposes. I would never actually suggest taking advantage of the elderly. Anyone with sensitivities to the plight of the elderly may wish to stop reading now, or should at least remember that the purpose behind the blog is satire.

Hey there everybody! Cool Ranter here. I am soooo glad you decided to join me today for what is sure to be a life changing experience. I want to officially welcome you to the Advanced Money Maximizer seminar. Now, I am seeing a lot of faces out there that I remember from Money Maximizer 101, where we delved into some basic practices that can help struggling companies and organizations fight the woes of our current economic recession. While those tips offered in the introductory course are a good start, I decided to develop the advanced course for those individuals who have no qualms with making some marginally legal decisions and foregoing their personal ethics to achieve pumped up profits, ramped up revenue and a bolstered bottom line. For our current course, I like to take examples of local organizations who have taken some tentative infant steps towards increasing their profits, and then give “outside of the box” ideas for how they can achieve unparalleled financial success, leaving upper management saying “Millionaires? F those guys. I’m a gazillionaire.” So are you revved up and ready to go everyone? I...can’t…..hear….you!!! All right, let’s do this thing!

My motivation for today’s presentation came during a recent trip to the local hospital’s gift shop. As soon as I entered the gift shop, a decrepit elderly women struggled up from her stool behind the counter, and offered a pleasant enough greeting. As I returned a token greeting in kind, mostly due to expectations of behavior dictated by social mores, my eyes caught a glimpse of such and such’s name tag, which denoted her status as a volunteer. Now this is what I’m talking about folks. The use of volunteers is a great way to minimize the outlay of salaries and benefits. Further, because they are not “real employees”, volunteers are not covered under employee right’s laws, and therefore if they start causing you trouble, give you a sideways glance, object to overt sexual harassment or maintain their belief that they are entitled to breaks or a lunch period, you can simply dump them without having to wage a costly legal battle regarding unfair termination. While the hospital was on the right track, how can this situation be maximized? That’s right, staff as many positions as possible with volunteers. There are large masses of elderly folk out there that are looking for a meaning in life, and would love to volunteer for positions within your organization. The extra profit that can be generated by having 40-50% of your organization staffed by volunteers is ridiculous. The only real cost these individuals represent to the company are through worker’s compensation contributions, which you can have an easily duped elderly person waive at the time of employment. This specific issue is covered more in my summer series of courses entitled “Liability Law Loopholes.” I hear some of you in the back saying, “What about volunteer employee turnover?” Sure, you are going to get a fair amount of volunteers saying, “I don’t get paid enough to put up with this crap. Heck, I don’t get paid at all!” My solution? More volunteer employees of course. Depending on the size of your organization, I would suggest keeping a back stock of 25-50 volunteer employees simply wandering the halls doing general janitorial work until they are needed as replacements. Heck, keep 100-200. What does it matter, they are costing you nothing. I mean, am I right? Ha, ha, ha (overdramatic laugh implied)!

As I meandered down the counter in the gift shop, I noticed a sign next to the register which had two lines. The bottom line, which was something inconsequential, is not of importance. The thing that got my gears greased and the wheels spinning at full speed were the first line that stated “No Change”. Now the hospital was once again on the right track. They obviously are stating that they do not make change for anyone coming into the store without a purchase being made. This saves on electricity to open the register, and encourages the purchasing of products in order to obtain any type of change. Granted, this tactic is fine for itty bitty profit bumps, but to kick this up a notch, I suggest using this same exact verbiage to mean there is no coin “change” given. So say your customer’s total is $1.37, and they give you a five. You give them back $3.00, and the remaining 67 cents is profit. You can legally tell the customer they were forewarned via the sign by the register that there is no change, and they have absolutely no recourse. Want to go EXTREME PROFIT POWER? Can I get an amen brother? Darn right you want to be a monetary glutton. Oink, oink, baby! Once again, the same sign is used, however this means absolutely no change is to be given. Simply add a small line at the bottom in 4-point font that says no returns, and you have a full proof plan. That candy bar and soda is $2, but the customer only has a twenty. Kaching, kaching! Quickly and deftly stick the twenty in the drawer, and hand the customer their worthless receipt. Any complaints? The customer is simply given the finger. No, not that that finger folks (another overdramatic laugh). An unwavering index finger simply guides them to the sign that is in plain view. Even if a customer tries to complain, they can be directed to a manager, who is, you guessed it, another volunteer. Once our amateur manager volunteer, who was probably thrilled to get the manager position without any prior retail experience, gets an earful from the irate customer, it is likely they will just walk out of the store, leaving the customer no one to complain to, and resulting in an extra $18 profit.

My final minute or so in the store entailed me taking a gander at the plethora of crappy gifts that the store was attempting to pawn off on emotionally distraught customers. I had to give the store management a standing ovation in my head when my eyes fell upon, at a price of $10.95, a small stuffed bear attached to the top of a small, clear plastic box filled ¾ full with those cheap red and white mints and butterscotch discs. It was quite apparent that management had simply instructed all employees to save their mints and butterscotch discs when they ate out, and maybe even grab a few extra from the vulnerable basket sitting next to the register at the restaurant, to be sold in the gift shop. It is hard to improve on selling something you got for nothing at a lucrative price. My only suggestion for improvement on this tactic is to introduce variety for the clientele. There are numerous other opportunities to obtain free items to sell. For example, at your next restaurant visit, stuff into your purse: a napkin (unused is preferred); your silverware; and packets of salt, pepper, ketchup, sugar or any other condiments available. So you are feeling guilty about taking the silverware? Look at this folks, those chicken strips you paid $9.95 for really only cost about $2.30, so you are practically entitled to take their ten cent silverware. In fact, the silverware they use cost them so little, it is actually more expensive for them to wash them than to buy new ones, so they are probably thrown away anyway. Would I lie to you? Come on, this is Cool Ranter you are dealing with. Once you have packaged these items in your plastic box, and thrown in a mint for good measure, you are on your way to offering your customers the all inclusive Culinary Accoutrement Kit. It is imperative that all volunteers learn to up sale this item by saying accoutrements with a French accent, as let’s face it, French stuff just sounds nice and fancy making it more desirable. And how about for those individuals who enjoy different types of food. The Culinary Accoutrement Kit can be customized to fit the food tastes of most individuals: for the Chinese food lover, replace the silverware with chopsticks, the condiments with soy sauce and the mint with a fortune cookie, all of which can be obtained for free at most fast food Chinese establishments; for the Italian food fan, simply throw in the last leftover breadstick from your meal; and for Mexican food fans, fast food taco sauce packets and some chips and salsa from a sit down restaurant. Both the breadsticks and chips with salsa are virtually unlimited at most restaurants, so feel free to stock up during your visit. I would simply suggest that you ask for more of those items before finishing your entrée to dissuade dirty looks from your server. Well, folks, that about concludes our time for today. I saw several of you out there nodding your head in agreement with many of the ideas I threw out there today. For those of you who thought these were wonderful ideas, and believe that your $199 entrance fee to the seminar was well woth the money, please tell a friend.  In addition, for those of you who were enlightened by this seminar, I would also encourage you to visit my kiosk in the foyer or visit me online at coolrantersmagicbeans.com for a special opportunity to buy some life altering legumes. Thank you and goodnight!